Discovering My Life

Yesterday was a lonely day, a depressing day. 48 hours ago, I would not have anticipated such a crappy Saturday- I had planned to do some work getting my house in order, and working on some fun personal projects. I was looking forward to the weekend, although I only had social plans lined up for Friday evening...

Friday evening, I had RSVP'ed for my first-ever meetup for an evening of bowling. That was a pretty significant new experience for me. I never before ventured out to join a group where I knew nobody at all in advance. Everyone was great, and I felt at ease. Perhaps this will be the start of some great new friendships.

There is so much left unseen in our spiritual wake. Maybe if I could see my purpose, it would... justify the emptiness.I know the seed of my Saturday despair, however.

I had arrived a bit early Friday evening, so I waited in the car listening to the Valentine's Day episode of This American Life.

Today is another Valentine's Day that I spent alone. This year is different. I have hope for next Valentine's Day. Why?

Today I am going to write about what steered my life in a different direction. I think it may qualify as my mid-life crisis. Time will tell.

I just want to feel something. Anything! Even if it is intensely bad!The date was November 11, 2011. In the weeks leading up to this weekend, I had been doing a lot of reflection on my life. This is written from the perspective of what I was experiencing at that time.

About a month ago my friend Amy told me she hopes in her next life she comes back as a stone. I gather there was some humor intended, but also some truth.

Amy introduced me to the concept that we are already in Hell, right here, right now, in this physical existence here on Earth. That concept did not sink in for a few days, but as the thought simmered, I began to understand, and started to agree.

Perhaps it is good that we are here, in Hell...Just a little background. I never believed in a traditional Christian Hell with a Devil and fire and brimstone, because to me that is inconsistent with the concept of a loving God. Punishment is a human concept devised to teach and incent proper behavior. Once the timespan expands to eternity, the experience cannot be considered teaching. It simply becomes torture and cruelty. Teaching only has value in a situation where it can make a difference, and the first requirement is that the lesson at some point must end.

Today someone asked me about my spiritual growth, to which I responded:

I am progressing on my journey. I find that I am growing happier, more comfortable in my own skin, and my relationships with people in general are improving. I feel more connected with everyone. So yes... I would have to say that I am progressing favorably.

A little background:

Much like Fox Mulder... I wanted to believe...

Many years ago when I was young, I was an Atheist and put all of my faith into math, science, and what can be seen, measured, and proven. My father is an Atheist to this day, and I wanted to emulate him in most every way back then. I still do wish to emulate him, but I also now recognize my father as a fallible human being, so I emulate his strengths and find my own way for the elements of his being that don't serve me well. I suppose that just comes with growing up.

A little levity is in order this Sunday morning.

Someone asked me my opinion of Dec 21, 2012 as the purported end of the world implied by the Mayan calendar's abrupt end.

Regarding Dec 21, 2012. Hmmm... Do you think that it just might be the case that when the Mayans had created 5,000 years' worth of calendar they simply thought "that's enough, we'll make more later?" :-)

I do believe we have great tribulations coming with the world being in the state it is, but also believe that nobody on this Earth knows anything as concrete as the dates of those events. Everything will be fine on Dec 22, I am sure.

This does remind me of a really funny joke I heard watching a stand-up comic, however. If anyone knows his name I will gladly give him due credit here. I paraphrase:

When I was young, I would always get choked up around the Christmas season while watching It's a Wonderful Life.

Back in those days Ted Turner had not yet purchased the rights to the film and restricted it to a single showing per year, so it was on ALL of the time! I would always stop to watch it.

Those around me rolled their eyes and complained. "It's sappy. How can you stand it?" "Contrived." "Jimmy Stewart, and his over-acting."

Whatever. I still love it and own a copy of it.

This afternoon, well after the Christmas season, my thoughts turned to It's a Wonderful Life, and why I always liked it so much.

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, he said:

Man.

Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.

Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.

And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;

the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;

he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.

This describes me perfectly. Time to change course.

A few months ago I turned off the television as an experiment to see if I would miss it. As it turns out, I did not miss it in the least. The unexpected consequence of this experiment was that I was reading, doing a lot of introspective thinking, and my personal growth started to accelerate.

Why? The obvious answer is that the hours formerly devoted to watching TV are now free to devote to something else. The less obvious answer may be uncovered in this video showing children watching television.

When we are in a trance state, our minds are susceptible to suggestion. With what are we programming ourselves? Can anyone in this state be "growing?"

I am reading a book on the subject of success in relationships, focusing on interpersonal communication and body language.

I often have a smile on my face, and it is a genuine heart-felt smile. My smile is not a nervous smile used to cover up my natural shyness. I want to put the other person at ease. Still, I think I may smile too often.

I have heard that people are suspect of someone who smiles all the time, and that smiling less makes your smiles more valuable. "Reward with a smile" is how it was explained to me.

Now, it may not be so much how often I smile, but how quickly.

I find this video mesmerizing. I highly recommend watching it in full-screen mode in 720p resolution. Take a break and relax.